Paige and Eddie
by Courier999
Summary: Pagliacci gets kicked out by the Joker. Based on "Harley and Ivy" by Bruce Timm and Paul Dini. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

BATMAN: Paige and Eddie

_Batman_ belongs to DC Comics. Pagliacci belongs to Claudia Short. Ink belongs to "ShadOBabe".

The sound of screeching tires echoed throughout Gotham City's downtown. A purple roadster zipped through the alleys, with the Batmobile behind it.

"The wind in my hair and the Batman at my heels- makes you feel alive! Doesn't it, girls?" Joker mused.

"Sure, Mister J." Harley Quinn replied from the front seat.

Pagliacci muttered something as the Batmobile drew closer to the Joker's car.

"Let's see how fast that car runs on bare rims!" Pagliacci yelled, drawing her crossbow and aiming at the Batmobile's tires.

The Batmobile's tow cable shot out, grabbing on to the Joker's rear fender.

"DO SOMETHING!" Joker yelled as the car was being dragged in.

_SNAP!_ The tow cable was severed thanks to a throwing knife from Pagliacci, and then Joker sped away.

Inside the Batmobile, Batman told himself that he'd catch the Joker next time.

Back at the Joker's hideout, the clownish trio and their henchmen were standing around.

"We'd have gotten the diamond- except Pagliacci had to give Batsy ideas when she aimed at his tires!" Joker complained.

"You knew the Bat would be there! If you didn't waste your time challenging him to catch you, we'd actually be successful!" Pagliacci replied.

That did it. Joker wasted no time in kicking out his other henchgirl.

"I'm better than you!" Pagliacci yelled at the closed door to the hideout.

The "crying clown" marched off in a huff.

Later, Pagliacci arrived at the Gotham Museum of Art. An anonymous tip had told her that there were several valuable paintings on display, and she had no ambition of passing this one up. An open skylight provided a fine entrance for the thief


	2. Chapter 2

Pagliacci worked her way down the skylight into the main exhibit halls. On her descent, she scratched out the idea of making off with the paintings due to bulk. However, there were several ancient sculptures on display that she could steal…

The darkened gallery echoed with the sounds of a woman's footsteps. In a large glass case sat several small figurines of various subjects. Pagliacci rubbed her hands in glee- the combined net worth would be a veritable king's ransom. She slowly began to cut through the glass-

The alarm went off.

"_Che diavolo."_ Pagliacci muttered.

She smashed the case, took the figurines, and ran.

Elsewhere in the museum, a man in a green suit and purple domino mask ran for it. The police cars pulled up right next to the museum entrance. Just then, a woman's hand pulled him into the shadows.

"Smooth move, _idiota_. You could have at least turned on the Bat-Signal." Pagliacci snapped.

"I am not an idiot!" The man replied.

"Wait- aren't you that trickster fellow, the 'Puzzler'?" Pagliacci asked.

"It's the Riddler!" Riddler answered.

"_Bene_. Pagliacci- pleased to meet you." Pagliacci replied.

"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!" A police officer yelled.

Pagliacci threw a canister of tear gas at the cops. While the police were distracted, Pagliacci and Riddler snuck out the back, fleeing in Riddler's getaway car.

"The play is over!" Pagliacci commented as the two crooks sped away.

Across Gotham, Riddler was hiding at the Nautilus Motel. Pagliacci was with him.

"NO NEEDLES!" Pagliacci exclaimed.

"Judging from what I've seen, you're probably anemic. A shot of Mother Nygma's homemade iron supplement should do the trick." Riddler replied.

Riddler gave his guest the shot.

"You'd think that after being with the Joker, I'd be used to pain." Pagliacci grumbled.

"Why do you stay with that lunatic?" Riddler skeptically asked.

"I've got nowhere else but Arkham to go, Riddler." Pagliacci humbly answered.

"Don't call me 'Riddler'." Riddler replied.

"What do I call you then?" Pagliacci asked.

Riddler paused for a moment.

"Call me Eddie." Riddler answered.

"_Bene_." Pagliacci replied.

"Now, what do I call you?" Riddler asked.

"Paige." Pagliacci answered.

"Okay…Paige." Riddler responded.

2 WEEKS LATER:

Paige Liccardi absent-mindedly hummed a few strains of _Bohemian Rhapsody_ while Riddler prepared lunch. In the back of her mind, she took note that Riddler's place was a good refuge when Joker snapped.

Edward Nygma wondered why he was letting Pagliacci stay with him. She was one of Joker's bunch…but she wasn't as crazy as Harley Quinn or Joker. She was…methodical, if nothing else. And…vaguely attractive- particularly without the makeup on.

"_Cosa da mangiare?"_ Pagliacci asked.

"_Pollo alla griglia e pasta_." Riddler answered, in nearly perfect Italian.

"_Bene!"_ Pagliacci exclaimed.

_"Godere."_ Riddler replied, taking his seat.

Meanwhile, at the Joker's hideout, a different scene was playing out…

"PAGLIACCI!" Joker exclaimed, rooting around in his sock drawer.

The Joker was having a rather rough week- the Dark Knight had been working overtime, Harley and Ivy were in Metropolis, and Pagliacci was MIA. Hopefully, the morning paper would provide relief for the befuddled Clown Prince of Crime.

A loud scream echoed across the hideout when Joker saw the headlines: NEW CRIME COUPLE HITS STREETS! And right below the headline was a picture of Pagliacci and Riddler


	3. Chapter 3

A police car's sirens screeched as a green roadster sped through the Bowery. From the roadster, Pagliacci aimed her crossbow and shot out the police car's front tires.

"The play is over!" Pagliacci gloated to the crashed policeman.

"Riddle me this- what does a beat cop have in common with the IRS?" Riddler asked.

"They're around because of taxes, and they're both annoying?" Pagliacci replied.

Riddler beamed- Pagliacci was much brighter than most of his associates. Also, she could pick locks like nobody's business. From the rooftops, a blonde in a gray sweater and running shoes watched as the roadster sped back towards Gotham's waterfront and the Nautilus Motel.

Back at the Nautilus, Riddler and Pagliacci examined the fruits of their labor- pearls, diamonds, and several other gems. All were from a reputable jewelry establishment in Blüdhaven- where the Batman rarely ventured. Just then, the blonde in the gray sweater and running shoes darted in through the window.

"Ink?" Riddler asked.

"Hi, Eddie!" Ink replied.

"Who is this?" Pagliacci asked.

"Ink." Riddler answered.

"_BASTARDO!_" Pagliacci exclaimed at Riddler.

"It's not what you think, Paige." Riddler replied.

"Eddie's like a big brother!" Ink piped up.

Pagliacci grumbled slightly.

"Eddie, who's the new girl?" Ink asked.

"Paige Liccardi…aka Pagliacci." Riddler answered.

"HI!" Ink exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Batman was following an anonymous tip from Blüdhaven about a jewelry store robbery. A trail of tire tracks were all that were left of the perpetrators. Soil analysis would be performed back at the Batcave.

A few hours later, Batman was analyzing the soil samples he had taken from the tire tracks. At the same time, pictures of Pagliacci and Riddler were on the computer screens.

"Looking for new employees, Master Bruce?" Alfred snarked.

"These soil samples contain traces of materials that you'd expect to find at the waterfront. That answers where Riddler and Pagliacci are hiding." Batman replied.

"The boat, sir?" Alfred asked.

"Yes, Alfred. Those two won't expect me to go the long way around." Batman answered.

Back at the Nautilus Motel, Pagliacci, Ink, and Riddler were watching the evening news.

_"It's been three weeks now, and Gotham's new crime couple is still at large. We're now going to Jack Ryder to get an opinion from the field."_ The televised Summer Gleason announced.

Riddler changed the channel to a game show. Ink muttered something about having to go home, and Pagliacci left for bed.

Meanwhile, the Bat-Boat approached the docks. Batman slowly began to clamber upwards towards the street, praying that no one would see him…

"Hi, Bats!" Ink exclaimed from a rooftop.

Batman nearly lost his grip. Ink had probably blown his cover. But now his resolve hardened. He could still take on Pagliacci and Riddler- and he would.

Steam rose from a grate as Batman walked through the dark alleyways of Gotham's waterfront, looking for Riddler's abode. The priest was waiting.

Towering above the derelict streets was a Gothic cathedral. This was where undercover cops and reporters looked for information on their prey. Batman had been there several times before, and he was going back again to visit an old informant- a Jesuit priest.

SLAM! SLAM! went a knock on the cathedral's back door.

"What's the password?" A man asked, opening a slit near the top of the door.

"_Ave Maria_." Batman replied.

"Batman?" The man at the door asked.

"Yes, Father Fontaine." Batman answered.

"Come on in- step out of the rain." The priest requested.

Batman walked into the cathedral, watching as Father Joshua Wilks -the local priest- stood at the altar.

"Batman, do you wish to confess your sins?" Father Wilks asked.

"I didn't plan to. I'm looking for information." Batman answered.

"Information?" Father Wilks responded.

"Where is Riddler?" Batman demanded.

"He's in the Nautilus Motel, Batman. He…hasn't come for confession in a month." Father Wilks answered.

"Thanks for the information." Batman replied.

"God bless you, Batman." Father Wilks responded.

"You too, Father." Batman said back, leaving the darkened church.

Inside the motel, Pagliacci began to remove her makeup. The white grease paint was the first to go, then the eyeliner…and lastly, the blue tear running from her right eye.

"Where's Edward Nygma?" Batman interrogated the desk clerk.

"Nygma? Look in Room 6." The desk clerk answered.

Just as Pagliacci was removing her shirt, Batman came crashing through the door.

"_Ciò che il cazzo?_" Pagliacci exclaimed.

Batman was unfazed by the sight of Pagliacci with her shirt unbuttoned.

"Say hello to my _pistole_!" Pagliacci exclaimed, reaching for her Glock 17.

The Batsuit shrugged off Pagliacci's 9 mm rounds. All Batman had to do was wait until Pagliacci ran out-

CLANG!

Batman was briefly dazed from a blow to the head. When his vision returned to normal, there was Pagliacci- armed with a crowbar.

"The play is over, Batman!" Pagliacci gloated.

Batman made a quick mental assessment of the situation. Just as Pagliacci was about to finish him off, Batman began to laugh.

"_Che diavolo_?" Pagliacci asked, dropping the crowbar.

Batman continued to laugh.

"_Basta!_ You're scaring me!" Pagliacci exclaimed.

Just then, the sound of police sirens echoed across the waterfront.

"_Cazzo_." Pagliacci grumbled.

A few days later, Pagliacci and Riddler were at Arkham Asylum again.

"Riddle me this-" Riddler began as the two were laboring in the asylum gardens.

"Shut up, Eddie!" Pagliacci interrupted


End file.
